While the terms “Family Manager” or “Director of Household Affairs” are much more descriptive, the plain ol’ “Stay At Home Mom” title is one I proudly hold! Though I wasn’t always so sure of it, it’s a role I will never regret taking. Read on to hear more about my journey.
This post is not meant to shame or guilt anyone. I am simply sharing my story and the internal struggle I experienced when I decided to leave my career. In sharing this, I hope to encourage other women who have the option to leave their career but are worried it may be a mistake.
A Short Background
After high school, I did the thing that was considered most normal: I went to college. Thankfully I chose a career that had a job waiting for me after graduation and I emerged into the workforce as an overly eager x-ray technologist. As I worked, I continued to advance my career by completing a total of 3 certifications within the radiology field. I got married and a year later I was expecting our first baby.
The example I had from all of the women in my life was this: school/job-marriage-family-keep working. I grew up surrounded by a large extended family but no one ever talked about doing things differently. I don’t remember my mom or aunts referencing stay at home moms or commenting how they’d like to be one. To be honest, I didn’t even know what “stay at home mom” meant. Naturally, the thought of me ever quitting my job to raise our children never crossed my mind. Until the day our first son was born.
My First Pregnancy
At the time I was working in the Cardiac Cath Lab. It was a rewarding job; it felt good to help patients and I enjoyed the routine work. The stressful days pushed me to not only mature as a tech, but also to be grateful for the life I was living outside of those hospital walls.
When my husband and I got a positive pregnancy test, we were so excited! I immediately felt obsessed with the little person growing inside my womb. I downloaded a pregnancy app and had fun following along with the growth descriptions each week. My diet was already pretty good but I became even more strict and incorporated add in’s- eating walnuts during the brain development stages, red beets for the heart, etc. It was such a privilege to grow this little person! My husband and I began interviewing pediatricians and daycares, setting up the nursery and planning a baby registry. Becoming a mom was the only thing I could think about.
Later in the pregnancy we learned our son would be born with a life-long medical condition. As we spent our time learning about it, I continued to assume I would return to work. At the time nothing else was an option. I wanted to be a mom who balanced homemaking and career, just like so many of the women in my life did.
It wasn’t until my son was actually born that it hit me.. how in the world was I supposed to leave this precious little boy in the hands of strangers day after day?
Back to Work
Initially I took 6 months off of work. When I went back I was working 10 hour shifts, 3 times a week with an on-call rotation.
Still, I wasn’t home enough.
I was only at work three days a week and still my heart was breaking while I was away from my baby. I heard new moms talk about this feeling. Of desperately wanting to stay home with their babies but for financial reasons they couldn’t. I heard other women tell them it would get easier. To push away the “mom guilt” because working and paying for their family’s needs is what’s best for the child.
My husband and I lived a modest lifestyle and had been frugal our entire relationship so we had financial security and low debt. He had already told me that his salary would support us and the decision to stay home to raise our son was entirely mine to make. While the pull for me to walk away from my career to raise our child was overbearing, in my heart I knew it was were I needed to be so I found peace in that. Still, I couldn’t help wondering if I would regret it. Was my 4 year college experience a waste of time and money? How different would my career become while I was gone? What if my husband lost his job? Did I want to be completely dependent on him? Would we be able to afford all of what we wanted out of life? Would I be fulfilled “just” being a mom?
I have to admit, I was envious of the women who knew from a young age that they would be stay at home moms. To me, those women had life figured out long before I even knew what motherhood truly meant!
My Decision
After months of struggling to make my decision, I finally decided to listen to my maternal instinct and leave my career. I was scared. Outside of my husband I didn’t have much support. But I did it anyway. Because as any new parent knows, that baby quickly became our entire world and I knew that pouring my heart and soul into him would be no mistake.
When I shared this news with others it was mostly met with hard smiles and empty “congrats”. Many women commented on their own desire to stay home but financially couldn’t. I didn’t expect anyone to be jumping over the moon excited for me but I also didn’t expect anyone to make me feel guilty about it. I never knew how to respond in those cases. Listing all the things my husband and I DIDN’T buy so we could afford to live on one income would be rude and seen as bragging. While there were a lot of awkward encounters, they were short lived. I was quickly left alone (with my baby) to start my new adventure as a stay at home mom.
Seven Years Later
Do I have regrets?
Absolutely. But not about leaving my career! It was the best decision for our family and each year that passes I see the goodness that has come from it all. People comment on our kids’ good character and mannerisms all the time. They are deep thinkers. They are leaders. They’re kind to each other (and everyone!) and feel safe speaking up to adults. They are full of life, and they are happy. Our kids are truly enjoyable to be around!
That doesn’t just happen.
I’m not taking all the credit here. Parenting is a family effort and my husband is an amazing father. But there is no doubt in my mind that giving our kids constant practice with daily interactions together has had a large impact on who they are today. Instead of being separated as a family for 40+ hours a week, we’re living every bit of life together. Instead of being confused with different discipline styles and ways of speaking from multiple caregivers, our kids know the expectations my husband and I have clearly set and they have the capacity to respect them. It also helps that conflicts can be resolved in the moment because I’m typically around when it’s happening. With other caregiver options there may be too many kids in the room for the adult to see every little thing that happens, causing conflicts to snowball out of control.
In Conclusion
I have learned that society does not truly value motherhood. In my experience, society made me feel like the only way to live was to struggle through keeping a career, raising a family and getting a homemade meal on the table. If I wasn’t struggling I wasn’t doing it right. I remember feeling guilty that we paid off our school loans and my husband’s salary could support our lifestyle. Now through the lens of passed time, I’m really proud of the decisions we made together to live responsibly within our means. We have learned there are a lot of things we can happily live without.
Now, I’m not saying being a stay at home mom is for everyone. I don’t think anything in life is a one-size-fits-all. Children will not benefit from a resentful mother who would rather be building her career. But looking back, I hate that I struggled in my decision to leave my career. All the anxiety and pressure I put on myself was so unnecessary. At the time I was such a planner. I wanted a glimpse into the future to see that everything would be okay. With no examples in my own life to draw upon, I worried I would make a mistake. I felt so alone. If only I could go back and tell my 28 year old self this:
“You will find yourself in motherhood. It will be the biggest blessing of your life. Your marriage will thrive, your kids will thrive and there will be no question that you made the right decision to become a stay at home mom. You are called to do this and by the grace of God you will become stronger. Despite relying on one income you will become more independent. After a few years you will realize it is not the easier way to live but rather, the most rewarding.”
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